Uncertainties

Today has been rather slow for me. The sky is gloomy and dark today which makes me feel very lazy and tired. That can't work out for me since I have to do my revisions. All these kind of suck for me because I hate studying for exams. 

Well, I've been doing some thinking.. you know, about life and the future for me. This is hard because I have no idea or whatsoever what I want to do or even to be. I shudder at the uncertainties that life holds for me. It's like walking in a never-ending stretch of path in a dark tunnel, finding the bright light that everybody said is at the end of the tunnel. My life is filled of "what if" s. What if this, what if that, what if everything. 

It's a little frustrating seeing everyone else being sure and enthusiastic (or not?) about their future plans, what they're going to do, what they're going to become and where they're heading to. Well, this are just some thoughts that were in my head for a while. Some people are always telling me that, "You should think about my future already!" or even ask me, "Why are you not worried?!". 

Hey, not to sound rude and all but I just want to say that without anybody telling me those, I'm also thinking about my future, my life ahead and worrying about all the things that are around me already since a few years ago. It's just that I really have no idea at all. I hope that all things will fall into its place soon. Thinking about all these is stressful and tiring. 

As I grow older, I finally get to see what they meant by "life is not a bed of roses". As I grow older, my worries and frustrations definitely piled up. As I grow older, more responsibilities to shoulder, I have. What is life without challenges? Hopefully, I'll get to see the bright light at the end of the tunnel soon.

It's me against the world.

Hannah

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Still in the midst of exams

I haven't have much time these days to come online much. It seems like a long time since I logged into Facebook, my e-mail and all. Wow. There's so many things to look into. Well, I'm just here for a short post to show that I'm still alive and that the exams haven't actually killed me just yet.

This week is a free week for me as I don't have any papers to sit for this week, however, the revisions are never ending. It seems like there's always so much to revise and to look through. Is it my lack of confidence or is it just me progressing a little too slow? I'm at the stage where I feel like giving up but I can't give up. Haha.. if that actually makes sense. Preparing for my papers is very tiring. Even when I sleep, I dream about my revisions, my teachers or my class. Then when I wake up, I felt like I haven't had any rest at all. These kind of dreams happen to me once in a while but those dreams have been occurring frequently these days, it's horrible.

Other than studying and preparing for exam, I'm just trying to live each day as productive as possible. Of course there will be some days which I cheat and that results in me regretting not being more productive and useful during the course of the day. Oh well, it's not like I can turn back the time or something. So, I remind myself to BE PRODUCTIVE every single day.

On a lighter note, do you still remember one of my previous post about Eia? Well, Eia is releasing her DEBUT SINGLE, "Hello World" on iTunes tomorrow! Be sure to go buy her single and show your support! Spread the love, Share the music.

For more information, please go to Eia's Facebook Page. 

For an exclusive preview of Eia's first single, "Hello World", log onto Eia's Myspace Page.

Have a nice day,

Hannah

In God, I will trust

Tomorrow is the second week of the Cambridge A & AS Level that I'm taking. This week is a little heavy for me. 3 papers with 2 of them being Maths. Oh bummer... I suck in Maths big time and that's no secret. What's worse is that I'm particularly poor with the mechanics paper. Hopefully, all things will go well especially with my revisions and my exam.

Yesterday night during Youth, during the Praise & Worship session, I came across a couple of Bible verses. Romans 8:38-39. I've read those verses many times before however, those verses just struck me. The versus just spoke to me and it suddenly just made me realise something that I should have done before. 

Romans 8:38-39

New International Version (NIV)

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I'm sure that many of us have felt very unloved and unwanted, scared and alone. Sometimes you just feel that nobody really cares for you even with all the people like your families and friends around you. I've felt these feelings before. Sometimes, I'd just think, where are all the people when you need them? Like this verse has said, nothing can separate us from the love of God. God has always been there for me, the bad times and also the good. 

Like for me, I'm never a person who can handle stress that comes altogether at me at one time. This is rather bad as I'll be at a disadvantaged when I go out to the work force or stumble upon some horrible crisis. Right now, with all these exams going on, I sometimes feel like giving up. I'm a pessimistic person when it comes to my studies. I'm not any good with them and I'm absolutely no "straight-A" student like how all parents want their children to be. But with that verse, I'm sure I can pull through because I know that there's somebody who loves and cares for me a lot. Like what Philippians 4:13 says. I'm more positive about me pulling through these few exam weeks.

Philippians 4:13

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Also, other than the Bible verses, a song that we sang during Praise & Worship , describes what I'm feeling right now. It's amazing how God sends somebody to show me these words of wisdom in my time of needing some pick-me-up.

Still by Hillsong

This song really speaks to me. How many a times where I have tried to rely on my own strength when there's somebody MUCH BIGGER than what I am is able and is wholeheartedly willing to share my burdens with me my fears and the challenges that I face. I should learn how to place my trust in God more often and not just relying on my own strength  No doubt that I'm still learning and there are many more life lessons to learn, however, I know that I'm not alone facing the storms. 

I have more courage and peace within me now as I know that I won't face this exam period all by myself. No matter what happens, I know that God has a plan for me. 

In God I trust,

Hannah

Hanging On

1 paper down, 10 more to go. It's been one week since the start of my exam period and I'm feeling very demotivated already. This can't be happening to me but I'm hanging on in there. It's a phase that all students have to go through. I must persevere and endure. Bitter times now, sweet memories later. 

And so, my youngest brother has already finished his PSR (Primary 6 exam in Brunei. Similar to the Malaysia's UPSR and Singapore's PSLE). Seeing my brother enjoying his freedom, makes me feel a little jealous of him. However, I'll tell myself that I don't need to be jealous because once I finish my exams, I would have an even longer holiday. YAY! Can't wait for that to happen. So, for now, I must press on. Study, study, study!

Exam sucks :P

Hannah

Exam Fever

And so... the exam fever has finally hit me (and all the other people who are preparing for their exams). Panic, anxiety, stress, lack of sleep, worries.. what more to add to my list? I really do pray and hope that all will be well for me this exam. No anxiety attacks and all during my exams and all. These days, I'm starting to feel the stress of the exam which is kind of good as it pushed me to study even harder.

I'll still be updating this little blog of mine if I have the time in the midst of exam. I wish all the exam students the very best for their exam! Study hard and study smart. ;)

Good luck!

Hannah

To Tigger, with love

To those who have read some of my Twitter tweets a few days ago, I have found my cat, Tigger. Unfortunately, Tigger was found dead. It was pretty sick when I last saw him, vomiting clear liquid quite frequently and it won't take in any food or water. We suspected that it was either poisoned, or ate something deadly beforehand. The next thing I knew, he went missing and we weren't able to find him around and we were  keeping our fingers crossed, hoping that he would come home soon.

As some of you might know, I found Tigger in a drain late at night while it was raining. He was meowing very loudly because he was at the edge of the drain. If he falls, it would be the end of his life but he was so tiny at the time that he couldn't climb out of the shallow drain himself. My dad rescued him out and then he ran off. A couple of weeks later, we found out that my next-door neighbour was keeping him but due to certain circumstamces, they weren't able to keep him anymore so we took Tigger over.

Tigger was my favourite cat out of the 5 cats that I have. =) He was my favourite because he was the first cat that I took care of since my last cat who ran away a year ago. Tigger was the only male out of the litter and also the eldest and largest, so he took care of the other 4 young female kittens. Tigger was best friend with *Lily, good friend with **Snowie and was a fatherly figure to 2 very young kittens, ***Patches and Laces.

* Lily was the 2nd cat which we took in because it was abandoned and is kind of blind in one eye.

** Snowie is the 5th cat that we took in which was also abandoned outside our house during a night where it was raining heavily.

*** Patches and Laces were the 3rd & 4th cat that was abandoned outside our house with giant red ants all over them which left them swollen and in pain.

All of the cats that I have are all abandoned cats. They were all in bad condition when we found them but after some tender, loving care, they are now well. A few of them had cases of worms maybe because they were strays and were abandoned, not sure what they actually ate before they came to us(We did de-worm them though (= , so no worries). We feed them minimum 3 times a day with cat food, water and occasionally milk. The cats are bathe at least once a week. So, they are all taken good care off.

Well, it was sad thing that Tigger is now gone but at least he's no more in pain or suffering now. Tigger, thank you for giving me a beautiful memory to remember you by. :)

To Tigger, with love.

Hannah.

Disclaimer: All photos do not belong to me unless stated so. Credits to the original photo uploader.

My Panic Issues

So, I have finished my mock exams already. Guess what? I think that this A Level mock exams are like one of the worst experience ever. I don't know if I'm just plain stupid or whatever I am, I can never seem to do as well as how others expect me to. I just always fall short. I get nervous breakdowns.. note the "s", which means I have had multiple panic attack each exam. Let me tell you what. PANIC ATTACK SUCKS!

I've clearly revised and study for my exams by reviewing notes and doing past years' exam papers. I thought that I remembered many facts that I needed for my exam but just when I set foot into the exam hall, I start to get all nervous, sweaty and scared. It all settles down just as I'm prepared to start writing and such. However, just when I opened the question paper  after being told to do so, the panic attack starts again. Oh boy, what I memorised and remembered then goes down the drain. What is this?! My panic attacks makes my mind goes blank and makes me forget EVERYTHING!

While many of my school peers are still having their mock exams (due to different subjects on different days, mine finished earlier), I'm excused from school. Being not having school today, I still went back to school to amend my exam schedule for my final exam next couple of months and I took some time to go meet my sociology teacher. My sociology teacher is one of the BEST TEACHER I've ever have! Seriously, he's the one who encourages me and gives me some hope even when all seems dark with my studies. He knew about my panic issues since last year's finals and he told me to calm down (in a very nice and gentle way, of course).

When I met him this morning, he asked me if my panic attacks happened again. He said that my AS sociology results does no justice to what I've done and revised. Well, I do take some pride off my assignments which I've always tried my best at it and it always got me good homework grades. :) He assumed that I panicked just before the exam (which I clearly did before, during and after the exam ><). After some chatting while I met up with him this morning, he told me to try to fix my panic issues because it's clearly affecting my studies and my results. He also told me that with some good revision and no panic attacks, I'll do good in all my future exams. Thank you for reassuring me! :)

I can't seem to understand why I get these panic attacks either. I tried not to let it happen but it just always happens and I always felt like it's the end of the world after the exam. Sigh.. I need a remedy for this. Maybe it's just my personality or it could well be my psychological thinking? I don't really know. But what I know is that having nervous breakdowns sucks and it feels like I've died a little inside.

Hopefully this problem of mine will be resolved very soon, because I'm having my finals in a month's time and i can't afford to lose out anymore. Also, I'm prepared to do very badly and maybe fail a couple of subjects for my mocks. This is just sad.. very sad. This totally sucks.. BIG TIME.

Trying to fix my freaking nervous breakdowns,

Hannah

Disclaimer: All photos or pictures aren't mine unless stated so. Credits to the original uploader.