Up, Up, Up

I've been very busy for the past month of May. Hectic and stressful but I'm thankful that by God's grace, I'm able to overcome whatever challenges that came my way even though I almost just broke down all the way a few times. Tears, fear, anger, desperation - a roller coaster month for me! I was so caught up in my world that I haven't have got the time to use the computer except for a few short times here and there.

I actually finished the work that held me by the neck by the end of May. I had a lot more freedom this June, or more so, the past 5 days :) I couldn't be more happier and I've been meeting up with friends who came back home for Summer from university and college overseas and most of all, DOING A WHOLE LOT OF READING! (I'll get back to my books in the next post soon to come, so stay tune)

Well, in the midst of all the crazy busy-ness, I actually went online that one day - 21st May. You know, just to check up on my emails that was piling up and to escape my responsibilities for just a little while. While I was scrolling down my Facebook feed, I came across an article that came with a video which showed a story of Zach Sobiech.

The article was about an 18-years-old boy who just died and the video that was about 22 minutes long is about his life after he found out that he was dying from osteosarcoma. 

I've included the video that I watched here for easier viewing.

I watched the entire video, pausing a few times halfway through because it was really hard to watch it through knowing that this kid just died a day ago (or less than a day ago since my time zone and his time zone were vastly different). 

While watching it, I was thinking of how pain and sufferings that he has endured for the past few years, the sorrows and grieve his family and friends were feeling. This feeling caught me personally since I've been through this a couple of times and the last was just a year ago. 

I'm just amazed at how optimistic Zach is through this entire ordeal. He even had a girlfriend who was his pillar of strength and support for the past 11 months before he died. Videos like this always make me think about me, my life. Like, what in the world am I doing with myself while somebody somewhere is struggling and trying so hard just to survive?!

I love one of his quote that has been haunting me in the back of my head:

"You don't have to find out you're dying to start living"

I've read comments saying that this is such an inspiration and all. Yes, I do agree. I've watched a fair share of such videos and every videos like these always open up another small part of me, changing my perspectives about myself, my life and the world, little by little. It's not a 180 degree of change but enough to improve myself slowly.

Also, another thing that caught my attention was that instead of writing farewell letters to family and friends, Zach wrote a song so that everyone can have a little part of him. It's called "Clouds" and I love the song! I've been playing it again and again and again. Singing it here and there many times, over and over again.

The above is the video of his song "Clouds". I find the lyrics really touching and meaningful, inspired by his girlfriend if I'm not wrong. It's just beautiful. 

Just sharing a bit of my thoughts about Zach, who's a fighter. I've never met him but it seems like I know him already. Even though it's been a few weeks since he passed away, I still pray and hope that his family will stay strong and take comfort in the fact that Zach is no more suffering and in pain. God loves His children. :)

Up, up, up,

Hannah

The Better Person

Today, I broke down and cried. I cried in disappointment, in anguish... 

There's so much emotions stored up in me, that I couldn't take it anymore, that I just sat down and cried. I tried to recollect myself but I just couldn't. The many feelings that has been kept inside of me, the feelings that no one else besides me that knows and understands... the bottled up feelings just came pouring out through the streaming tears, flowing down from my eyes, staining the bed-sheet and the clothes that I was wearing.

I just cried and cried and cried. While crying, I was praying. I was asking God to calm down my heart. I prayed for peace and for comfort... but the tears just continued rolling down my face. Like God was just asking me to just cry it all out instead of keeping all the negativity that I gradually stored inside of me.

It was the first time in a long time that I've cried so hard that my shoulders just shook uncontrollably. I cry because I'm hurt. I cry because I'm tired. I cry because I'm angry with myself. I've put up a strong front for a long time that I've exhausted myself and had to cry to relief myself.

I've always been trying to be the better person among the people around me so that I can see them be happy. I'm the kind of person that becomes happy when I see others being happy, most of the time though, not always as I'm only human.

This is me.

The person who tries to give the best to the people around her. 

The person who gives in to others so that they could be happier. 

The person who does the unwanted job that nobody wants to do just so that everyone is happy in the end.

The person who gets into unfavourable circumstances so that the people around her can stay in their own familiarities, their own comfort zone.

Despite being the better person (not all the time because I'm imperfect), have I lose out? I find that I've thrown myself into a deep hole unknowingly, unable to get myself out at times. There were many times that I really did not want to be the better person, like the time where I was being volunteered by others to do the things they didn't want to do so that they can stay in their own skin.

I wondered if the people around me have ever spared a feeling for me or ever tried to understand me. Have they tried to understand where I'm coming from? Have my being a better person gave others an upper hand, taking advantage me? Have my giving in become a norm that they can do whatever they want?

There's many questions that I asked myself, like why am I always the disadvantaged one? Why am I always stuck in these kind of mess? Why is things so unfair? Why don't I get treated better when I've treated everyone as nice as I could?

Sometimes, being the better person sucks. I'm not asking for any acknowledgments but it would be nice to be treated a little better. It's like me being the better person has become a natural to them, sometimes even being taken for granted.

I tell myself at times, why do I even bother? Does anybody sees the good works that I do? 

I was doing my quiet time a little later after my breakdown just now. Right then, this verse came across. It's not the first time such a thing has happened before. It's like the words that God has wanted to tell me or something. 

Colossians 3:17 (New International Version)

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

I don't do good things or be the better person just because I want others to see all the works or the sacrifices that I've done. It all comes back to the starting point. Seeing others happy makes me happy as well. Though not all the time, I would try to tell myself that it's all worth it.

To all the people who have been the better person just so that I could have better opportunities, I'm very thankful to you. Even though I could have forgotten to thank you, I would like to say a BIG Thank You to all of those who've been so considerate and nice to me. To me, your selfless sacrifices and love has been so amazing that I'm constantly inspired to be the better person. 

After much crying and praying and the Bible verse that I came across during my devotion, I felt a sense of calmness and peace over me. Because to me, God was the BIGGEST and the BEST person of all time, sending His Son to die for us on the cruel cross so that we may have salvation. 

Always and after remembering how Christ has sacrificed Himself for us, it makes me want to be the better person. It's not always easy, but I'm sure with God's strength, I can do all things.

Love and Grace,

Hannah

Life Without Limits

During my January trip to one of my favourite country, Singapore, I bought Nick Vujicic's books - Life Without Limits and Unstoppable. I bought them because I've read the previews and they seem like a really good read. So when I stumbled upon the books in Kino, I bought them immediately.

I'm currently taking my time, reading Nick Vujicic's 1st book - Life Without Limits. By taking my time, it really does mean taking my time - slow and steady. I love reading and I can read pretty fast as well. I was trained into speed reading (since I was 7 years old) but still fully understanding the texts while reading them fast.

I'm reading this book at a slow pace because I can be very emotional and very, very overwhelmed when reading "Life Without Limits". I find myself bawling my eyes out after reading a page because EVERY SINGLE WORD in the book MAKES SO MUCH SENSE TO ME! It felt like that book was written just for me but of course, it's not.

This is the first time that I've cried so much while reading a book. I can only manage a couple of chapters at a time, to not overwhelm myself. After reading those few pages, the words tends to dwell in my head for hours and hours. I felt like my insecurities and doubts were spoken to.

This is for those of you who does not know whom Nick Vujicic is.

Nicholas James "Nick" Vujicic (born 4 December 1982) is a Serbian Australian evangelist and motivational speaker born with tetra-amelia syndrome, a rare disorder characterized by the absence of all four limbs. As a child, he struggled mentally and emotionally as well as physically, but eventually came to terms with his disability and, at the age of seventeen, started his own non-profit organization, Life Without Limits. Vujicic presents motivational speeches worldwide, on life with a disability, hope and finding meaning in life. He also speaks about his belief that God can use any willing heart to do his work and that God is big enough to overcome any and all disabilities.

- Excerpted from Wikipedia

Nick Vujicic, you really inspire me! Despite having physical disabilities, he lives life much  more better than I do. 

God really does work in mysterious ways to answer my doubts. I was really self-doubting myself about a particular incident, thinking that, "Nah, it's impossible for me to do it because I'm never clever enough or good enough."

Then while reading "Life Without Limits", on Page 61, there's this paragraph. It's like magic or something. Does the book knows what I'm thinking? It's a little creepy there. It goes :-

Hold that thought: Anything is possible. When you feel wiped out and blown away by a huge challenge, trust that anything is possible. You may not see a way out at the moment. You may feel that the whole world is lined up against you. But believe that circumstances can change, solutions can appear, and help can arrive from unexpected places. Then anything is possible!

Tears just came down after reading that paragraph. I mean, I was like just only thinking about it a couple hours ago, and this just came to me. WOW! Can you believe it? I was a little creep-ed out then. How did the timing work out that way? Like was I meant to read that at a particular time?

God never fails to amaze me. Whenever I'm praying, in need of some encouragement to go on, there will always be words of comfort and support given to me. Be it from family, friends or from unanticipated people or places. There's just always enough courage to continue my journey on.

This reminds me of one of my favourite song from Hillsong - God is Able. I've included the song below for your listening pleasure. :)

Blessed, I am.

Hannah. 

Be still

As you can see, from my previous post, I'm lacking with self confidence and trust but I'm trying hard to be more positive. This reminds me of a song that speaks to me and is close to my heart. It is what I want to say and it is what God says to me.

It reminds me of God's forever unchanging and faithful love to me. No matter how hard the situation gets, I know I'm not alone - "When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm."

"Find rest my soul, in Christ alone. Know His power, in quietness and trust."

Such POWERFUL yet REASSURING words.

Lyrics:

Hide me now

Under Your wings

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father you are King over the flood

I will be still, know You are God

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are king over the flood

I will be still, know You are God

May the song and the lyrics be able to touch and bless you. It's always amazing to know that there's somebody always there for you no matter how broken and tattered you get. :')

Listen and be blessed.

Hannah

Fears and Worries

Warning: Lengthy post ahead. * Don't say I didn't warn you. *

I've not updated my blog for a while now. I've been travelling for a little bit over the past couple of weeks... and I'm procrastinating to story my travel tales at the moment. However, if the mood to ever tell my tales sets in, I shall.

January has come and gone so fast! Can you imagine that?! It wasn't too long ago when it was the end of 2012 and just the beginning of the year, 2013. Now, 1 month or 31 days have passed. It's just too fast. Don't you think so? Or is it just me that feel this way? Oh, hello February.

Half of me is looking forward to this month whereas the other half of me is dreading the days of February. It's a really mixed up feeling inside of me.

Why I'm looking forward? Because Lunar New Year is just around the corner, I get to go back to my hometown to celebrate it with my paternal family whom I see only once or twice a year.

Why I'm NOT looking forward? Because the A Level results would be released really soon. It might be today, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Nobody knows except for the people handling the results in the Ministry of Education.

Anyway, I'm currently spending my days anxiously waiting for my A Level exam results to be published. This period of time is such a terrible and fearful one to me because I'm absolutely terrified of how my results will turn out to be.

I gave my best but still, I think I didn't do very well. So, I'm not looking forward to knowing what's my results are. I'm never the brightest student but I do work hard and try my best at it. Since after my exams, I have been trying hard to just ignore the fact that it's over and done with already. My personality, my character, my nature just always tend to over-think and over-worry. Also, I never have the confidence.

I try not to think about it and just live my life as per usual but the worries, the fears are instilled already deep inside of me. It's been 2 months and I find myself in a mess by doing so. I can't fall asleep  easily because this matter lingers in my mind always and I can't sleep well because I'm always having weird or bad dreams, or that I'd wake up to find myself crying from my sleep. I find my stomach churning and my head turning whenever I think about it. My mood for the day would just change for the worse.

I'm not even exaggerating. I find myself hard to comprehend even. It's mentally and physically exhausting. People might find me being such a wuss, being irritating or annoying due to my insecurities. Some might question me for the reasons behind my insecurities because what's done is done. I can't change anything.

Hopefully, my results would be an okay, satisfying one. I'm not hoping for straight A's because I know very well that'll never happen. I just want it to get me somewhere.

My dad would sometimes notice my worries through small talks and he'd tell me to commit these into my prayers. From here, I find myself not entirely placing my trust unto God and that He'll do the rest and pave the way for me.

I'd cry because I'm not able to place all my troubles and worries unto God. I'd cry because I think I'm incompetent. I'd cry because I'm scared. I'd cry because I think I will be a disappointment.

I'd feel like hiding in a hole or running far, far away or cooping up alone somewhere and just not face the world, face reality, face myself.

Perhaps it's the past memories that had and will scar me forever. Words and actions that had etched into me because I'm such a disappointment especially to my mum and dad a couple years ago. Maybe it's because of the bad events that still continue to haunt me, even until today. I've lost my confidence, lost my cool, lost my sanity.

I'm really uncertain what the future might hold for me BUT from today onward, I will be even more fervent towards my prayers and my quiet time. To reconnect myself with God, to be even closer to God, to try and place all my trust unto Him, to ask God to relieve me from all my burdens and my fears.

I sincerely pray and hope that everything would be alright in the end and that my worries would prove to be nothing. Also, there's still this part of me that's trying to prepare myself for the worst that is to come (which I hope it will not happen).

~ Hannah ~

In God, I will trust

Tomorrow is the second week of the Cambridge A & AS Level that I'm taking. This week is a little heavy for me. 3 papers with 2 of them being Maths. Oh bummer... I suck in Maths big time and that's no secret. What's worse is that I'm particularly poor with the mechanics paper. Hopefully, all things will go well especially with my revisions and my exam.

Yesterday night during Youth, during the Praise & Worship session, I came across a couple of Bible verses. Romans 8:38-39. I've read those verses many times before however, those verses just struck me. The versus just spoke to me and it suddenly just made me realise something that I should have done before. 

Romans 8:38-39

New International Version (NIV)

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I'm sure that many of us have felt very unloved and unwanted, scared and alone. Sometimes you just feel that nobody really cares for you even with all the people like your families and friends around you. I've felt these feelings before. Sometimes, I'd just think, where are all the people when you need them? Like this verse has said, nothing can separate us from the love of God. God has always been there for me, the bad times and also the good. 

Like for me, I'm never a person who can handle stress that comes altogether at me at one time. This is rather bad as I'll be at a disadvantaged when I go out to the work force or stumble upon some horrible crisis. Right now, with all these exams going on, I sometimes feel like giving up. I'm a pessimistic person when it comes to my studies. I'm not any good with them and I'm absolutely no "straight-A" student like how all parents want their children to be. But with that verse, I'm sure I can pull through because I know that there's somebody who loves and cares for me a lot. Like what Philippians 4:13 says. I'm more positive about me pulling through these few exam weeks.

Philippians 4:13

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Also, other than the Bible verses, a song that we sang during Praise & Worship , describes what I'm feeling right now. It's amazing how God sends somebody to show me these words of wisdom in my time of needing some pick-me-up.

Still by Hillsong

This song really speaks to me. How many a times where I have tried to rely on my own strength when there's somebody MUCH BIGGER than what I am is able and is wholeheartedly willing to share my burdens with me my fears and the challenges that I face. I should learn how to place my trust in God more often and not just relying on my own strength  No doubt that I'm still learning and there are many more life lessons to learn, however, I know that I'm not alone facing the storms. 

I have more courage and peace within me now as I know that I won't face this exam period all by myself. No matter what happens, I know that God has a plan for me. 

In God I trust,

Hannah