The Better Person

Today, I broke down and cried. I cried in disappointment, in anguish... 

There's so much emotions stored up in me, that I couldn't take it anymore, that I just sat down and cried. I tried to recollect myself but I just couldn't. The many feelings that has been kept inside of me, the feelings that no one else besides me that knows and understands... the bottled up feelings just came pouring out through the streaming tears, flowing down from my eyes, staining the bed-sheet and the clothes that I was wearing.

I just cried and cried and cried. While crying, I was praying. I was asking God to calm down my heart. I prayed for peace and for comfort... but the tears just continued rolling down my face. Like God was just asking me to just cry it all out instead of keeping all the negativity that I gradually stored inside of me.

It was the first time in a long time that I've cried so hard that my shoulders just shook uncontrollably. I cry because I'm hurt. I cry because I'm tired. I cry because I'm angry with myself. I've put up a strong front for a long time that I've exhausted myself and had to cry to relief myself.

I've always been trying to be the better person among the people around me so that I can see them be happy. I'm the kind of person that becomes happy when I see others being happy, most of the time though, not always as I'm only human.

This is me.

The person who tries to give the best to the people around her. 

The person who gives in to others so that they could be happier. 

The person who does the unwanted job that nobody wants to do just so that everyone is happy in the end.

The person who gets into unfavourable circumstances so that the people around her can stay in their own familiarities, their own comfort zone.

Despite being the better person (not all the time because I'm imperfect), have I lose out? I find that I've thrown myself into a deep hole unknowingly, unable to get myself out at times. There were many times that I really did not want to be the better person, like the time where I was being volunteered by others to do the things they didn't want to do so that they can stay in their own skin.

I wondered if the people around me have ever spared a feeling for me or ever tried to understand me. Have they tried to understand where I'm coming from? Have my being a better person gave others an upper hand, taking advantage me? Have my giving in become a norm that they can do whatever they want?

There's many questions that I asked myself, like why am I always the disadvantaged one? Why am I always stuck in these kind of mess? Why is things so unfair? Why don't I get treated better when I've treated everyone as nice as I could?

Sometimes, being the better person sucks. I'm not asking for any acknowledgments but it would be nice to be treated a little better. It's like me being the better person has become a natural to them, sometimes even being taken for granted.

I tell myself at times, why do I even bother? Does anybody sees the good works that I do? 

I was doing my quiet time a little later after my breakdown just now. Right then, this verse came across. It's not the first time such a thing has happened before. It's like the words that God has wanted to tell me or something. 

Colossians 3:17 (New International Version)

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

I don't do good things or be the better person just because I want others to see all the works or the sacrifices that I've done. It all comes back to the starting point. Seeing others happy makes me happy as well. Though not all the time, I would try to tell myself that it's all worth it.

To all the people who have been the better person just so that I could have better opportunities, I'm very thankful to you. Even though I could have forgotten to thank you, I would like to say a BIG Thank You to all of those who've been so considerate and nice to me. To me, your selfless sacrifices and love has been so amazing that I'm constantly inspired to be the better person. 

After much crying and praying and the Bible verse that I came across during my devotion, I felt a sense of calmness and peace over me. Because to me, God was the BIGGEST and the BEST person of all time, sending His Son to die for us on the cruel cross so that we may have salvation. 

Always and after remembering how Christ has sacrificed Himself for us, it makes me want to be the better person. It's not always easy, but I'm sure with God's strength, I can do all things.

Love and Grace,

Hannah