Fears and Worries

Warning: Lengthy post ahead. * Don't say I didn't warn you. *

I've not updated my blog for a while now. I've been travelling for a little bit over the past couple of weeks... and I'm procrastinating to story my travel tales at the moment. However, if the mood to ever tell my tales sets in, I shall.

January has come and gone so fast! Can you imagine that?! It wasn't too long ago when it was the end of 2012 and just the beginning of the year, 2013. Now, 1 month or 31 days have passed. It's just too fast. Don't you think so? Or is it just me that feel this way? Oh, hello February.

Half of me is looking forward to this month whereas the other half of me is dreading the days of February. It's a really mixed up feeling inside of me.

Why I'm looking forward? Because Lunar New Year is just around the corner, I get to go back to my hometown to celebrate it with my paternal family whom I see only once or twice a year.

Why I'm NOT looking forward? Because the A Level results would be released really soon. It might be today, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Nobody knows except for the people handling the results in the Ministry of Education.

Anyway, I'm currently spending my days anxiously waiting for my A Level exam results to be published. This period of time is such a terrible and fearful one to me because I'm absolutely terrified of how my results will turn out to be.

I gave my best but still, I think I didn't do very well. So, I'm not looking forward to knowing what's my results are. I'm never the brightest student but I do work hard and try my best at it. Since after my exams, I have been trying hard to just ignore the fact that it's over and done with already. My personality, my character, my nature just always tend to over-think and over-worry. Also, I never have the confidence.

I try not to think about it and just live my life as per usual but the worries, the fears are instilled already deep inside of me. It's been 2 months and I find myself in a mess by doing so. I can't fall asleep  easily because this matter lingers in my mind always and I can't sleep well because I'm always having weird or bad dreams, or that I'd wake up to find myself crying from my sleep. I find my stomach churning and my head turning whenever I think about it. My mood for the day would just change for the worse.

I'm not even exaggerating. I find myself hard to comprehend even. It's mentally and physically exhausting. People might find me being such a wuss, being irritating or annoying due to my insecurities. Some might question me for the reasons behind my insecurities because what's done is done. I can't change anything.

Hopefully, my results would be an okay, satisfying one. I'm not hoping for straight A's because I know very well that'll never happen. I just want it to get me somewhere.

My dad would sometimes notice my worries through small talks and he'd tell me to commit these into my prayers. From here, I find myself not entirely placing my trust unto God and that He'll do the rest and pave the way for me.

I'd cry because I'm not able to place all my troubles and worries unto God. I'd cry because I think I'm incompetent. I'd cry because I'm scared. I'd cry because I think I will be a disappointment.

I'd feel like hiding in a hole or running far, far away or cooping up alone somewhere and just not face the world, face reality, face myself.

Perhaps it's the past memories that had and will scar me forever. Words and actions that had etched into me because I'm such a disappointment especially to my mum and dad a couple years ago. Maybe it's because of the bad events that still continue to haunt me, even until today. I've lost my confidence, lost my cool, lost my sanity.

I'm really uncertain what the future might hold for me BUT from today onward, I will be even more fervent towards my prayers and my quiet time. To reconnect myself with God, to be even closer to God, to try and place all my trust unto Him, to ask God to relieve me from all my burdens and my fears.

I sincerely pray and hope that everything would be alright in the end and that my worries would prove to be nothing. Also, there's still this part of me that's trying to prepare myself for the worst that is to come (which I hope it will not happen).

~ Hannah ~