Up, Up, Up

I've been very busy for the past month of May. Hectic and stressful but I'm thankful that by God's grace, I'm able to overcome whatever challenges that came my way even though I almost just broke down all the way a few times. Tears, fear, anger, desperation - a roller coaster month for me! I was so caught up in my world that I haven't have got the time to use the computer except for a few short times here and there.

I actually finished the work that held me by the neck by the end of May. I had a lot more freedom this June, or more so, the past 5 days :) I couldn't be more happier and I've been meeting up with friends who came back home for Summer from university and college overseas and most of all, DOING A WHOLE LOT OF READING! (I'll get back to my books in the next post soon to come, so stay tune)

Well, in the midst of all the crazy busy-ness, I actually went online that one day - 21st May. You know, just to check up on my emails that was piling up and to escape my responsibilities for just a little while. While I was scrolling down my Facebook feed, I came across an article that came with a video which showed a story of Zach Sobiech.

The article was about an 18-years-old boy who just died and the video that was about 22 minutes long is about his life after he found out that he was dying from osteosarcoma. 

I've included the video that I watched here for easier viewing.

I watched the entire video, pausing a few times halfway through because it was really hard to watch it through knowing that this kid just died a day ago (or less than a day ago since my time zone and his time zone were vastly different). 

While watching it, I was thinking of how pain and sufferings that he has endured for the past few years, the sorrows and grieve his family and friends were feeling. This feeling caught me personally since I've been through this a couple of times and the last was just a year ago. 

I'm just amazed at how optimistic Zach is through this entire ordeal. He even had a girlfriend who was his pillar of strength and support for the past 11 months before he died. Videos like this always make me think about me, my life. Like, what in the world am I doing with myself while somebody somewhere is struggling and trying so hard just to survive?!

I love one of his quote that has been haunting me in the back of my head:

"You don't have to find out you're dying to start living"

I've read comments saying that this is such an inspiration and all. Yes, I do agree. I've watched a fair share of such videos and every videos like these always open up another small part of me, changing my perspectives about myself, my life and the world, little by little. It's not a 180 degree of change but enough to improve myself slowly.

Also, another thing that caught my attention was that instead of writing farewell letters to family and friends, Zach wrote a song so that everyone can have a little part of him. It's called "Clouds" and I love the song! I've been playing it again and again and again. Singing it here and there many times, over and over again.

The above is the video of his song "Clouds". I find the lyrics really touching and meaningful, inspired by his girlfriend if I'm not wrong. It's just beautiful. 

Just sharing a bit of my thoughts about Zach, who's a fighter. I've never met him but it seems like I know him already. Even though it's been a few weeks since he passed away, I still pray and hope that his family will stay strong and take comfort in the fact that Zach is no more suffering and in pain. God loves His children. :)

Up, up, up,

Hannah

Mother's Day 2013

It has come to this time of the year again. MOTHER'S DAY!! Even though everyday should be a day where you honour your parents but today is more special especially to all the mothers. I want to wish all the mums all around the world and especially my mummy a very Blessed Mother's Day!!

I'm so thankful that I have a mum (and dad too! But today, I'm dedicating this to mummy) who works so hard to provide for the family so that all of us in the family can lead a comfortable and a fortunate life. [My family has a dual parent income and I hail from a middle-class family for those of you who are curious. It's just enough for us to lead a nice and comfy life.]

Thank you mummy for all the sacrifices that you've made so that we can have the best. Thank you for being there, being our chauffeur driving us around when we need it and for buying us yummy snacks and foods which dad sometimes disapprove of :P Thank you for providing me with such a blessed lifestyle. Just thank you for everything.

I know that I may not be the best daughter ever, nor the most obedient and submissive kid, but I just want to thank you for being so patient with me and tolerating me and all my nonsense and my silly, idiotic antics. :)

Hehe... I know I'm not a person who regularly profess my feelings but today I just want to say that - Thank you so much mummy and I love you! <3

Not only to my own mum but to all the women - the many aunties in my life whom have been like a mother-like figure to me. Even though some of you are not mothers but to me, you're just like my mama. :)

Just to name a few whom I'm very grateful to like:- 

• My 2 grandmas and my god-grandma, 
• my mum's 2 sisters - Auntie Pheng and Auntie Shim, 
• my dad's 7 sisters - Da Gu, Er Gu, Fun Gugu, Phyllis Gugu, Ha Gugu, Fei Gugu and Ling Gugu especially to Fei Gugu and Fun Gugu for taking such good care of me when I had my long vacation back in KK and also to Phyllis Gugu for taking care of me when my parents are not around and all,
• and also to Auntie Rosemary, Auntie Rachel, Auntie Jeanne, Auntie A.Wah and many, many more!!

All of you have been such an encouragement and an inspiration to me. I just can't fully proclaim how grateful and thankful I have to have my mum and all these aunties all around to look after me. You guys are the bomb!! :D

Enjoy this wonderful day and enjoy your glorious moments fit for a queen :)

Many love and hugs to all of you,

Hannah

Hello May ; Just a little update

So, I've reiterated that I haven't been the most regular person ever to update her blog but it's okay. I blog lazily leisurely as I wouldn't want to pressure myself to produce blog entries, one after another, which then would put me off blogging and it's not like anybody would want to read my posts anyway.

Truthfully, I've never publicised my blog anywhere other than on Twitter, where I'd do a few tweets regarding my postings once in a while. So, if anybody else who's here on my blog reading this right now, not coming here through my Twitter, then you've stumbled into my world. Hello there and welcome :)

I created this blog mainly to keep my writing juice flowing since I haven't been doing a lot of writing since I graduated high school and I wouldn't like my English to deteriorate further than it already has. Pardon my lousy English - I'm not like those good bloggers out there who uses flowery words to enhance the quality of their posts whom I envy (also because I don't know that many of them flowery words to use appropriately :P)

Well, it's May already. Can you believe it?! Because I, for one, didn't exactly realised that we've hit May until I saw the date on my phone when I woke up yesterday morning. What happened to the past 4 months? It flew by so fast that I could hardly savour it.

Nothing really interesting has been going in my life right now. It's the same old peaceful  days passing by, unlike the colourful lifestyle that many of my friends are having being overseas - some studying, some travelling. I would love to be travelling right now. Anybody out there who wants to sponsor my air fares + travelling allowance?

I'm neither an avid risk taker nor an enthusiastic adventure seeker, which explains my  rather mundane lifestyle. Hopefully, life will take a better turn in the later part of the year for me. Right now, I'm fine being where I am. The coming days in May would be pretty busy for me due to certain circumstances. I'm not looking that forward to it but it'll do. I'm so thankful for all the good days I'm having now.

Life is good for now,

Hannah

Life Without Limits

During my January trip to one of my favourite country, Singapore, I bought Nick Vujicic's books - Life Without Limits and Unstoppable. I bought them because I've read the previews and they seem like a really good read. So when I stumbled upon the books in Kino, I bought them immediately.

I'm currently taking my time, reading Nick Vujicic's 1st book - Life Without Limits. By taking my time, it really does mean taking my time - slow and steady. I love reading and I can read pretty fast as well. I was trained into speed reading (since I was 7 years old) but still fully understanding the texts while reading them fast.

I'm reading this book at a slow pace because I can be very emotional and very, very overwhelmed when reading "Life Without Limits". I find myself bawling my eyes out after reading a page because EVERY SINGLE WORD in the book MAKES SO MUCH SENSE TO ME! It felt like that book was written just for me but of course, it's not.

This is the first time that I've cried so much while reading a book. I can only manage a couple of chapters at a time, to not overwhelm myself. After reading those few pages, the words tends to dwell in my head for hours and hours. I felt like my insecurities and doubts were spoken to.

This is for those of you who does not know whom Nick Vujicic is.

Nicholas James "Nick" Vujicic (born 4 December 1982) is a Serbian Australian evangelist and motivational speaker born with tetra-amelia syndrome, a rare disorder characterized by the absence of all four limbs. As a child, he struggled mentally and emotionally as well as physically, but eventually came to terms with his disability and, at the age of seventeen, started his own non-profit organization, Life Without Limits. Vujicic presents motivational speeches worldwide, on life with a disability, hope and finding meaning in life. He also speaks about his belief that God can use any willing heart to do his work and that God is big enough to overcome any and all disabilities.

- Excerpted from Wikipedia

Nick Vujicic, you really inspire me! Despite having physical disabilities, he lives life much  more better than I do. 

God really does work in mysterious ways to answer my doubts. I was really self-doubting myself about a particular incident, thinking that, "Nah, it's impossible for me to do it because I'm never clever enough or good enough."

Then while reading "Life Without Limits", on Page 61, there's this paragraph. It's like magic or something. Does the book knows what I'm thinking? It's a little creepy there. It goes :-

Hold that thought: Anything is possible. When you feel wiped out and blown away by a huge challenge, trust that anything is possible. You may not see a way out at the moment. You may feel that the whole world is lined up against you. But believe that circumstances can change, solutions can appear, and help can arrive from unexpected places. Then anything is possible!

Tears just came down after reading that paragraph. I mean, I was like just only thinking about it a couple hours ago, and this just came to me. WOW! Can you believe it? I was a little creep-ed out then. How did the timing work out that way? Like was I meant to read that at a particular time?

God never fails to amaze me. Whenever I'm praying, in need of some encouragement to go on, there will always be words of comfort and support given to me. Be it from family, friends or from unanticipated people or places. There's just always enough courage to continue my journey on.

This reminds me of one of my favourite song from Hillsong - God is Able. I've included the song below for your listening pleasure. :)

Blessed, I am.

Hannah. 

Mid-December

How have you been? I'm sorry for the lack of post. I'm currently still away on my solo vacation. There's limited internet access so, I shall leave my writings until I'm more free. :) Have a happy holiday everyone!!

11 more days to Christmas,

Hannah

FIRST solo trip

I'm really excited today!! Finally, the day has arrived. I'm going on my FIRST solo adventure!! There's many FIRSTS going together with my trip. I'm excited yet nervous for the yet-to-comes. I'm actually going back to my hometown - Kota Kindabalu (KK), Sabah, Malaysia, for a short getaway and yes, I'm going by plane.

As this post is published onto my blog, I would be hundreds of feet up in the air (because I scheduled this post to be published around the same time of my flight :P). It'll be my FIRST time riding on a plane alone. All by myself. And this is coming from me, a person with  anxiety issues. For the past couple of days, some scenarios flashed across my mind. What if I forget this? What if I that? Would I get into trouble for this? What would happen to me if that? However, despite all those, I'm just going to place myself in God's hands. I'm sure that I'll be okay and I'll reach KK safe and sound :)

It's also the FIRST time that I'm going back to my hometown alone. Usually, I would go back together with my family or my aunt. But this time, it's just me who's going back. I can't help but feel a little nervous and scared because this time round, there's no parents who's gonna look out for me or siblings to help me or entertain me. I guess this is what growing up is like. Although I'm staying with my aunts and grandma in KK, I still feel like this is an independent trip for me.

There's actually many more FIRSTS to come when I'm in KK, but I shall blog more on those at a later time. Until then, goodbye Brunei for a little while and HELLO KK!!

Flying solo,

Hannah

Thanksgiving

This week would be the final week of my A Level exam. My last paper would be on Wednesday in fact, so counting down 3 days to the ultimate freedom. I can't wait for all this exam period to be over! Looking back, it has been a really long and tiring journey for me - the tears, the sweat and the blood that I've shed due to much pressure and stress. Ah, this makes me look like a weakling but those facts are true. I've never been the one who excels in my studies but, I do try my best at it however it still falls short.

Almost reaching the end of the year, I've been experiencing many aspects of Thanksgiving for the past week. I'm just really thankful for all the blessings that I've received. I'm thankful to God for everything that I have and that He has brought me through this period of time where I thought I would not be able to. I'm thankful to my family and friends for all the love, care and support. I learnt that we should always be thankful for whatever situation that we've been given.

Instead of receiving all the time, I should be giving more to others. It's a small thing when said but it's a BIG thing when doing. Be it little things or big things, I'm just thankful. Oh, and I can't wait to taste the sweet freedom!! Counting down - 3 more days!!! :D

With a thankful heart,

Hannah

My Inner Blues

Today has been one of the days where I'd feel so down and low, as though I can't climb back up the ladder after falling down from it into a deep pit. So much has happened today and there's so much thoughts within me... Disappointment? Relief? Sadness? Happiness? I have no idea how to actually describe what I'm feeling right now. All of these feelings have all mixed and rolled up into an ugly ball of feelings.

This morning, I started my mock exams (some would call it a qualifying exam). I had my MIB (Melayu Islam Beraja also known as the Malay Islamic Monarchy) paper this morning. This MIB paper is one of the paper that I dread so much because I had to write all of it in Malay and it's not really a secret anymore if you do actually read my blog. I guess it went well, I did my best for that paper, wrote as much as I was able to. The only part that I missed out doing was the Jawi (arabic words) part. I forgot all of my Jawi already since I stopped learning Jawi in Primary 6. So, hopefully, I won't fail this MIB paper and get a credit for it at least.

I went home after my MIB paper to do some last minute revision for my Sociology paper which was in the afternoon. There was so much to study that I tried to memorise as much as I could but I think I did it again. I kind of pushed my panic button <--- really guilty of that. Sorry Mr. Ess, I couldn't stop myself from panicking when I saw the questions on the paper. The entire duration for my Sociology paper was 3 hours long. The longest paper that I have ever sat for in my entire life. My bones were aching and I was getting restless from sitting down for so long. I felt so stiff but I couldn't move from my seat since it was an exam. I wrote as much as I knew after my panic attack where my mind went blank. It was a horrible 3 hours. 3 hours 3 essays. How great is that. =.=

After the Sociology mock exam was over, hand phones of the students started ringing here and there. All I could guess at that moment was," OH MY GOODNESS! THE JUNE AS RESULTS ARE OUT!". And.... I was right. It was still in the exam hall, mind you and I could hear shrieks and cries of the students. Out of joy or grief, I won't know since they're not my friends but I do suppose that one student actually scored a really good grade for sociology that her sociology teacher got so overwhelmed and cried on the spot. Congratulations to whoever you are! :)

I was, of course, scared and nervous while waiting and holding tight onto my phone. I registered for the results to come through my phone to me and it's one of the things that I hated. Every buzz that my phone makes, due to other notifications on my phone, makes my heart skip a beat and I would actually stop breathing for a moment. My results didn't actually came to me until a while after I got back home from the sociology exam. 

Well, all I can say is that my results were what I expected or maybe a little better than what I expected since I actually thought that I was gonna fail one of the subject. BUT no, I didn't fail any. Praise the Lord! The results were mediocre and I told my parents about it. They weren't the happiest camper about it but at least I wasn't thrown into a hot, fiery furnace for not getting the results that they wanted. It was then I felt disappointed because I had disappointed my parents with my results since it wasn't what they wanted. I'm not the A kid, though I always wished that I was. 

Even though I was a disappointed, a wave of relief hit me hard. I didn't fail anything and I manage to get all credits except for the one that I thought I would fail. My friends and I were twitter-raging the entire time after the results were out. Some were the happiest receiving such great results however, many of us were accepting the fact of our not-so-good results. Oh well, we can't change the ugly truth can we?

Oh boy, am I ever glad that I actually had such supportive friends like Lin and Sophia who encouraged me again and again, not to give up hope in achieving a better set of grades when I retake my papers again in October. Lin and Sophia are like my sisters from another mother. Though both of them do not know each other personally, I do still appreciate them and love them WITH ALL OF MY HEART! God bless you two girls. Haha!! This is when I realised that friends are just so important. "I would rather have 4 nickels than a 100 pennies." - as quoted from some person on twitter. Lin and Sophia were the perfect pick-me-up after a wholesome 2 hours of being depressed over my results. I wouldn't have come out of my "mini-depression" that quickly if not for them.

But again, I was relieved after all these waiting and anticipating for my results. I'm glad that this is over and done with. I'm thankful that mum and dad weren't as pissed as I thought they would be. I'm grateful for my parents who told me to work harder for the next retake exam instead of throwing me insults to let me fall deeper. I'm grateful for my friends who encouraged me to not give up and to keep pressing on. I wouldn't have gone far without any of them. Most of all, I'm thankful for God answering my prayers because only God knows the perfect solution to every of my problem, no matter how big or how small.

Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my FAVOURITE verse in the Bible. Whenever I'm feeling at a lost, I would always remember and think about this verse and then I'll be feeling a lot better after reading through this one verse. How God works in many ways to comfort and to heal one's soul. 

This is such a wordy and a lengthy post but it totally describes a little bit of how I'm feeling at the moment. I hope that things will get better in time.

I'm singing my blues~

Hannah

Disclaimer: Photos do not belong to me unless stated so. All credits to the original photo uploader.

Gratefulness!

I have had a nice weekend! It was just what I've always wanted during school weeks. A nice weekend to recharge myself so that I will have sufficient energy to work through the whole week. And thankfully, all thanks to a Public Holiday that falls on a Sunday, I get another day off, Monday! Sunday was a public holiday for us folks in Brunei because it's our king, the Sultan's 66 birthday! Daulat Kebawah Duli Tuan Patik!! :D

Every year during our Sultan's birthday, the whole country gets a day off! How nice is it? I always enjoy my holiday and I enjoyed myself today. Even if I wasn't actually participating in the whole birthday celebrations myself, I do feel the whole festive mood the country was in. I slept in for the day but it was still really nice to catch some bits and pieces of the birthday celebration through the TV, the radio and other SNS (Social Networking Sites). For the day, there's the birthday procession at the Taman SOAS, the Sultan's Titah (Titah = the King's speech) and the dinner banquet at the Istana (Istana is the Sultan's palace).

After the Titah, there was this giving out of medals or bestowing honors to some of the people who have contributed to the country or something. (I know I'm really terrible for not knowing this but I'll try my best to understand the whole thing soon). Also, I've always wonder, every year during the Sultan's birthday, His Majesty is always giving other people especially His citizens something in all sorts of ways... but does anybody gives the king anything? It's like his birthday right? Haha! That's just my random thought. :)

I'm really grateful to be living in such a peaceful country where it's relatively safe everywhere if you're being careful. The Sultan has blessed the people Brunei A LOT! The citizens of Brunei receives FREE health care, FREE education, SUBSIDISED petrol, rice and oil and many other things. By His Majesty's grace, even I receive free education! I don't need to pay school fees in my college that I'm in. It's just wonderful. :D

On Saturday night in YF, we learned about being grateful and how we ought to be grateful. To our families, our friends, the people around us. Are you grateful? I know I am! In my previous blog posts, I have written about being thankful and grateful for so many things. Even though there's still some of the little things that I'm always taking granted for, I'm still learning. Learning to be grateful for many things and everything because EVERYTHING in this world is God's blessings to us. We should be grateful to God too for this! 

I've done some thinking and reflecting myself. I feel really good if other people praise me and thank me for the things that I have done. So, I should learn to praise others and thank them, be grateful to them for the things that they have done for me too, be it big or small. That way, they'll also feel appreciated right? Nobody would like to be taken for granted because I know how that feels and it SUCKS BIG TIME!! So, I MUST learn to be more thankful and grateful to others so they'll feel good too. (this is not sucking up!)

Apart from what I learnt in YF, today during my Bible Study lesson, I learned about David. How he's willing to admit that he's has done wrong by committing sins like adultery and murder even though he's a king. This lesson has impacted me. It suddenly hit me like, "Hey, if David who's a king can admit that he's wrong, I should be able to do the same right?". I mean like I'm just a normal person who does wrong in little ways or in big, obvious ways. I should learn how to apologize and repent for my wrongdoings, even if it means putting down my dignity. Wow! I think that this is going to be a hard lesson but I will have to do it.

Also, during bible study, I also learned that if we have sinned or done wrong, the person that hurts the most will be God because we are God's children but God will always forgive us because He loves us so much, just the way we are. One earthly example will be like if we have done something wrong, our parents will be hurt too right? This hit me once again. I hate seeing other people hurt or upset. It kinda kills me on the inside.. and that feeling is pretty horrible. So, I must try my best to become a more pleasant person so that I won't hurt others.

This is such a lengthy post. So much reflective words. I also don't really know why I've chose to post this up here but I feel that it might be helpful to the readers to read my post. Maybe it'll impact them too just like how the words impacted me yesterday and today. It was such a blessing for me and I hope that it will be a blessing to you too. 

I'm glad that I don't have school tomorrow so I can stay up later and sleep in. This week will be a rather relaxed week and there's another long weekend coming up for me. Will explain this in a later post. Have a nice week ahead!

With love and gratefulness,

Hannah