My Inner Blues

Today has been one of the days where I'd feel so down and low, as though I can't climb back up the ladder after falling down from it into a deep pit. So much has happened today and there's so much thoughts within me... Disappointment? Relief? Sadness? Happiness? I have no idea how to actually describe what I'm feeling right now. All of these feelings have all mixed and rolled up into an ugly ball of feelings.

This morning, I started my mock exams (some would call it a qualifying exam). I had my MIB (Melayu Islam Beraja also known as the Malay Islamic Monarchy) paper this morning. This MIB paper is one of the paper that I dread so much because I had to write all of it in Malay and it's not really a secret anymore if you do actually read my blog. I guess it went well, I did my best for that paper, wrote as much as I was able to. The only part that I missed out doing was the Jawi (arabic words) part. I forgot all of my Jawi already since I stopped learning Jawi in Primary 6. So, hopefully, I won't fail this MIB paper and get a credit for it at least.

I went home after my MIB paper to do some last minute revision for my Sociology paper which was in the afternoon. There was so much to study that I tried to memorise as much as I could but I think I did it again. I kind of pushed my panic button <--- really guilty of that. Sorry Mr. Ess, I couldn't stop myself from panicking when I saw the questions on the paper. The entire duration for my Sociology paper was 3 hours long. The longest paper that I have ever sat for in my entire life. My bones were aching and I was getting restless from sitting down for so long. I felt so stiff but I couldn't move from my seat since it was an exam. I wrote as much as I knew after my panic attack where my mind went blank. It was a horrible 3 hours. 3 hours 3 essays. How great is that. =.=

After the Sociology mock exam was over, hand phones of the students started ringing here and there. All I could guess at that moment was," OH MY GOODNESS! THE JUNE AS RESULTS ARE OUT!". And.... I was right. It was still in the exam hall, mind you and I could hear shrieks and cries of the students. Out of joy or grief, I won't know since they're not my friends but I do suppose that one student actually scored a really good grade for sociology that her sociology teacher got so overwhelmed and cried on the spot. Congratulations to whoever you are! :)

I was, of course, scared and nervous while waiting and holding tight onto my phone. I registered for the results to come through my phone to me and it's one of the things that I hated. Every buzz that my phone makes, due to other notifications on my phone, makes my heart skip a beat and I would actually stop breathing for a moment. My results didn't actually came to me until a while after I got back home from the sociology exam. 

Well, all I can say is that my results were what I expected or maybe a little better than what I expected since I actually thought that I was gonna fail one of the subject. BUT no, I didn't fail any. Praise the Lord! The results were mediocre and I told my parents about it. They weren't the happiest camper about it but at least I wasn't thrown into a hot, fiery furnace for not getting the results that they wanted. It was then I felt disappointed because I had disappointed my parents with my results since it wasn't what they wanted. I'm not the A kid, though I always wished that I was. 

Even though I was a disappointed, a wave of relief hit me hard. I didn't fail anything and I manage to get all credits except for the one that I thought I would fail. My friends and I were twitter-raging the entire time after the results were out. Some were the happiest receiving such great results however, many of us were accepting the fact of our not-so-good results. Oh well, we can't change the ugly truth can we?

Oh boy, am I ever glad that I actually had such supportive friends like Lin and Sophia who encouraged me again and again, not to give up hope in achieving a better set of grades when I retake my papers again in October. Lin and Sophia are like my sisters from another mother. Though both of them do not know each other personally, I do still appreciate them and love them WITH ALL OF MY HEART! God bless you two girls. Haha!! This is when I realised that friends are just so important. "I would rather have 4 nickels than a 100 pennies." - as quoted from some person on twitter. Lin and Sophia were the perfect pick-me-up after a wholesome 2 hours of being depressed over my results. I wouldn't have come out of my "mini-depression" that quickly if not for them.

But again, I was relieved after all these waiting and anticipating for my results. I'm glad that this is over and done with. I'm thankful that mum and dad weren't as pissed as I thought they would be. I'm grateful for my parents who told me to work harder for the next retake exam instead of throwing me insults to let me fall deeper. I'm grateful for my friends who encouraged me to not give up and to keep pressing on. I wouldn't have gone far without any of them. Most of all, I'm thankful for God answering my prayers because only God knows the perfect solution to every of my problem, no matter how big or how small.

Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my FAVOURITE verse in the Bible. Whenever I'm feeling at a lost, I would always remember and think about this verse and then I'll be feeling a lot better after reading through this one verse. How God works in many ways to comfort and to heal one's soul. 

This is such a wordy and a lengthy post but it totally describes a little bit of how I'm feeling at the moment. I hope that things will get better in time.

I'm singing my blues~

Hannah

Disclaimer: Photos do not belong to me unless stated so. All credits to the original photo uploader.