Learning how to drive

I haven't been updating this blog as often as I ought to. Just a short update here, to let everyone know that I'm still alive over here :P

Hmm.. what have I been doing these days?

I've been taking my driving lessons for some time now (I have yet to fulfill the 15 hours minimum of driving practice). I'm hoping to get my driver's license soon but I'm not  very confident that I'll pass in one go. I have tiny fears while driving on the road. It's not all that easy and fun as many thought it would be.. well, for me that is. It'll definitely ease my parents' burdens if I could drive.

Well, here in Brunei, all driving learners must drive and learn with a MANUAL car. Manual car scares me! An automatic car has only two pedals -the brakes and the accelerator. Meanwhile, in a manual car, there's an extra pedal - the clutch, other than than the 2 mentioned before.

I hate stick driving! For some of you that don't know, stick driving means driving a manual car. It's like you have to change the gear stick all the time and while you change, you got to press on the clutch. Also, if you don't have good handling on the clutch.. oh boy, you're gonna have a hard time driving a manual car because your car will stall like crazy!!

I stalled far too many times during my first lesson. It was my first time ever behind the wheels (yes, I'm a law abiding citizen, not secretly driving out and about without a license) and driving a manual is quite a handful or in this case, feetful? :P

Your hands and feet must coordinate together. Some people will tell me that it's easy just because playing the piano, which I do, also requires hand and foot coordination. It's very different and much more difficult from playing the piano. While driving on the road, looking out for cars, you also have to move your hands, one changing the gears and another one on the steering wheel.

When on the slopes, you've got to listen to the correct engine sound to change pedals so that your car wouldn't fall backwards. While parking, you've got to learn how to estimate the space correctly . On the roundabouts, make sure you don't stall, drive and signal correctly when changing lanes. All these... I haven't yet a perfect grasp but I'm still practicing and I'm sure one day I'll be as good as all the other experienced drivers out there.

When driving, you not only have to consider your own safety but also the safety of your passengers and other road users as well. There are many road bullies on the road and I've met quite a few of them while practicing driving on the main roads other than practicing in the driving circuit at the Land Transport Department. They just cut your lane without signalling in a really fast speed and all... and that sometimes make my driving instructor go mad as well. :( 

While on this topic, I'll apologise to the other road users that I've met while practicing driving. Sorry for being so slow, sorry for lacking in better driving skills and confidence, sorry for being a possible road hazard. Thank you to all the nice drivers for understanding a learning driver - for making way and slowing down or even flashing your headlights, giving us good opportunities to proceed especially at the U-turns whenever you see a practice car on the road. Nice drivers do help me gain more confidence when using the roads.

To all the drivers out there, be nice to the learning and new drivers (not referring to myself only but also to the rest of the new road users). You were also once a rookie driver. It'll help us, the new drivers, a lot. To the nice and kind drivers that I've encounter, thank you so much and keep on looking out for the new drivers. It could be irritating at times, but your patience does helps and would not intimidate the new drivers as much as being on the road is already a scary experience especially for first-timers.

To a certain friend, Jonathan, who tried to change my mind about stick driving... nope, I still hate stick driving as much as I hate it in the first place. I'll stick to auto driving when I get my driver's license. :)

This short update turned out to be such a long-winded post. Sorry about that. I do get carried away at times while writing a post. :P

Drive safe :)

Hannah

Qing Ming in Sabah

I'm currently back in KK with my dad for QingMing (or if translated into English would be "Tomb Sweeping Day"). Well, QingMing this year 2013 would be on the 4th of April but due to the inconvenience, we always have our QingMing earlier than the original date (which would be the 104th day after the winter solstice).

It's said that the Chinese offers food, burns incense, joss sticks and paper gifts, for the departed but my family does not practice this ritual. We'd just do the normal weeding and cleaning of the graves, and gifting of fresh flowers.

It's only for a short couple of days while here in KK. So many things to do in so little time. Oh well. It's the FIRST TIME EVER that I'll be sweeping the tombs in Sabah. I'd usually do it in Brunei all the time since I lived there but since I'm free during this period of time, I decided to tag along with dad and it's worth the experience.

I've heard how much harder it is going to the cemeteries here in Sabah from my dad and aunts because quite a few of the tombs of my ancestors and relatives are situated up among the hills and it's going to be a tough ascend. It's already hard for my aunts and dad, it'll be even worse for me ><

So, let's pray and hope that my family and I would not get hurt or injured anywhere and also that I'll have sufficient stamina and strength to hike up to the tombs.

Peace and love,

Hannah

Life Without Limits

During my January trip to one of my favourite country, Singapore, I bought Nick Vujicic's books - Life Without Limits and Unstoppable. I bought them because I've read the previews and they seem like a really good read. So when I stumbled upon the books in Kino, I bought them immediately.

I'm currently taking my time, reading Nick Vujicic's 1st book - Life Without Limits. By taking my time, it really does mean taking my time - slow and steady. I love reading and I can read pretty fast as well. I was trained into speed reading (since I was 7 years old) but still fully understanding the texts while reading them fast.

I'm reading this book at a slow pace because I can be very emotional and very, very overwhelmed when reading "Life Without Limits". I find myself bawling my eyes out after reading a page because EVERY SINGLE WORD in the book MAKES SO MUCH SENSE TO ME! It felt like that book was written just for me but of course, it's not.

This is the first time that I've cried so much while reading a book. I can only manage a couple of chapters at a time, to not overwhelm myself. After reading those few pages, the words tends to dwell in my head for hours and hours. I felt like my insecurities and doubts were spoken to.

This is for those of you who does not know whom Nick Vujicic is.

Nicholas James "Nick" Vujicic (born 4 December 1982) is a Serbian Australian evangelist and motivational speaker born with tetra-amelia syndrome, a rare disorder characterized by the absence of all four limbs. As a child, he struggled mentally and emotionally as well as physically, but eventually came to terms with his disability and, at the age of seventeen, started his own non-profit organization, Life Without Limits. Vujicic presents motivational speeches worldwide, on life with a disability, hope and finding meaning in life. He also speaks about his belief that God can use any willing heart to do his work and that God is big enough to overcome any and all disabilities.

- Excerpted from Wikipedia

Nick Vujicic, you really inspire me! Despite having physical disabilities, he lives life much  more better than I do. 

God really does work in mysterious ways to answer my doubts. I was really self-doubting myself about a particular incident, thinking that, "Nah, it's impossible for me to do it because I'm never clever enough or good enough."

Then while reading "Life Without Limits", on Page 61, there's this paragraph. It's like magic or something. Does the book knows what I'm thinking? It's a little creepy there. It goes :-

Hold that thought: Anything is possible. When you feel wiped out and blown away by a huge challenge, trust that anything is possible. You may not see a way out at the moment. You may feel that the whole world is lined up against you. But believe that circumstances can change, solutions can appear, and help can arrive from unexpected places. Then anything is possible!

Tears just came down after reading that paragraph. I mean, I was like just only thinking about it a couple hours ago, and this just came to me. WOW! Can you believe it? I was a little creep-ed out then. How did the timing work out that way? Like was I meant to read that at a particular time?

God never fails to amaze me. Whenever I'm praying, in need of some encouragement to go on, there will always be words of comfort and support given to me. Be it from family, friends or from unanticipated people or places. There's just always enough courage to continue my journey on.

This reminds me of one of my favourite song from Hillsong - God is Able. I've included the song below for your listening pleasure. :)

Blessed, I am.

Hannah. 

One month in one post

It's been a month since I've posted anything here, on my blog. A month can be rather long... or short, depending on how you look at it. No worries, I'm still alive and well, living everyday as best as I could.

I've been really busy during the past month. Busy with the Lunar New Year, busy processing my school stuff, busy with my other commitments. It sure has been a hectic month, full of life's ups and downs but nonetheless, I'm still thankful that I'm still living and kicking... just not sure if I'm as sane though after this 1 month. HAHA! :P

I went to KK to celebrate Lunar New Year with my paternal family whom I visit only maybe once or twice a year only. I always enjoy being back there because I miss my paternal family a lot. I mean, I get to eat really yummy foods made with love by my aunt (my dad's older sister. Oh yeah, my aunt is like ONE OF THE BEST COOK EVER!), go shopping (KK has like many more shopping centers than in Brunei definitely), just wandering around and try as many nice food available everywhere and just simply enjoy the bonding time with my grandma, aunts and cousins.

After the trip to KK, I've also been busy, busy, busy especially with the school things. My friends also helped me out a lot by ferrying me to and fro (because I can't drive yet. Thank you so much, Ping and Pistachio!). I'm thankful for such good friends.

It's not all that bad but the stress can really get to you. I find myself crying a lot (yeah, I cry when I'm stressed out. Crying is like an emotional outlet for me. I think I need to find a more POSITIVE outlet) and being really edgy and frustrated all the time.

I need to say that I'M REALLY SORRY to all the people whom I've not been really nice too at certain times where I just snap back and be really hostile because I was really stressed and mentally exhausted. THANK YOU so much for enduring my unfriendliness at times. It's just that when all the things get piled up, I tend to just break down.

I'm only human. I'm only skin and blood and bones. I'm not perfect.

I fell, I cried, I crumbled but everything will be just fine.

Keeping strong,

Hannah

Happy Lunar New Year

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR everyone!!! It's the time of the year again. Many of us would be celebrating this festive season in our respective hometowns or wherever you might be, with our families and friends. This is an occasion where most of the family, from near and from afar, unite together as one. 

This year of 2013 would be the Year of the Snake. I would like to wish all of you a  HAPPY, HEALTHY, PROSPEROUS and SUCCESSFUL year ahead of you.

This is a time where you get to bond with people whom you've not seen for a long time, create new memories and to mediate the ties with one another. Also, there would be many red packets to receive, snacks and goodies to snack on, fireworks and lion dances to up the festive cheer. 

Remember to be good to one another, to drink plenty of water after the many yummy snacks and foods available while house visiting and be thankful. :)

May you all have a wonderful Lunar New Year,

Hannah

Be still

As you can see, from my previous post, I'm lacking with self confidence and trust but I'm trying hard to be more positive. This reminds me of a song that speaks to me and is close to my heart. It is what I want to say and it is what God says to me.

It reminds me of God's forever unchanging and faithful love to me. No matter how hard the situation gets, I know I'm not alone - "When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm."

"Find rest my soul, in Christ alone. Know His power, in quietness and trust."

Such POWERFUL yet REASSURING words.

Lyrics:

Hide me now

Under Your wings

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father you are King over the flood

I will be still, know You are God

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are king over the flood

I will be still, know You are God

May the song and the lyrics be able to touch and bless you. It's always amazing to know that there's somebody always there for you no matter how broken and tattered you get. :')

Listen and be blessed.

Hannah

Fears and Worries

Warning: Lengthy post ahead. * Don't say I didn't warn you. *

I've not updated my blog for a while now. I've been travelling for a little bit over the past couple of weeks... and I'm procrastinating to story my travel tales at the moment. However, if the mood to ever tell my tales sets in, I shall.

January has come and gone so fast! Can you imagine that?! It wasn't too long ago when it was the end of 2012 and just the beginning of the year, 2013. Now, 1 month or 31 days have passed. It's just too fast. Don't you think so? Or is it just me that feel this way? Oh, hello February.

Half of me is looking forward to this month whereas the other half of me is dreading the days of February. It's a really mixed up feeling inside of me.

Why I'm looking forward? Because Lunar New Year is just around the corner, I get to go back to my hometown to celebrate it with my paternal family whom I see only once or twice a year.

Why I'm NOT looking forward? Because the A Level results would be released really soon. It might be today, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Nobody knows except for the people handling the results in the Ministry of Education.

Anyway, I'm currently spending my days anxiously waiting for my A Level exam results to be published. This period of time is such a terrible and fearful one to me because I'm absolutely terrified of how my results will turn out to be.

I gave my best but still, I think I didn't do very well. So, I'm not looking forward to knowing what's my results are. I'm never the brightest student but I do work hard and try my best at it. Since after my exams, I have been trying hard to just ignore the fact that it's over and done with already. My personality, my character, my nature just always tend to over-think and over-worry. Also, I never have the confidence.

I try not to think about it and just live my life as per usual but the worries, the fears are instilled already deep inside of me. It's been 2 months and I find myself in a mess by doing so. I can't fall asleep  easily because this matter lingers in my mind always and I can't sleep well because I'm always having weird or bad dreams, or that I'd wake up to find myself crying from my sleep. I find my stomach churning and my head turning whenever I think about it. My mood for the day would just change for the worse.

I'm not even exaggerating. I find myself hard to comprehend even. It's mentally and physically exhausting. People might find me being such a wuss, being irritating or annoying due to my insecurities. Some might question me for the reasons behind my insecurities because what's done is done. I can't change anything.

Hopefully, my results would be an okay, satisfying one. I'm not hoping for straight A's because I know very well that'll never happen. I just want it to get me somewhere.

My dad would sometimes notice my worries through small talks and he'd tell me to commit these into my prayers. From here, I find myself not entirely placing my trust unto God and that He'll do the rest and pave the way for me.

I'd cry because I'm not able to place all my troubles and worries unto God. I'd cry because I think I'm incompetent. I'd cry because I'm scared. I'd cry because I think I will be a disappointment.

I'd feel like hiding in a hole or running far, far away or cooping up alone somewhere and just not face the world, face reality, face myself.

Perhaps it's the past memories that had and will scar me forever. Words and actions that had etched into me because I'm such a disappointment especially to my mum and dad a couple years ago. Maybe it's because of the bad events that still continue to haunt me, even until today. I've lost my confidence, lost my cool, lost my sanity.

I'm really uncertain what the future might hold for me BUT from today onward, I will be even more fervent towards my prayers and my quiet time. To reconnect myself with God, to be even closer to God, to try and place all my trust unto Him, to ask God to relieve me from all my burdens and my fears.

I sincerely pray and hope that everything would be alright in the end and that my worries would prove to be nothing. Also, there's still this part of me that's trying to prepare myself for the worst that is to come (which I hope it will not happen).

~ Hannah ~