Grow in experience, find happiness in the ordinary.

I was watching a Singaporean Film - Timeless Love (Chinese title: 那个夏天) the other day, that I came across this quote that I find rather meaningful. Oh, the movie is quite nice. Many of my favourite cast were in it. Go watch it if you can. :)

The original quote in Chinese from the movie itself:

人生要经历风雨，才能窥见彩虹的美丽；要经历过挫折，才会认识自身的不足；要经历过失去，才会懂得珍惜现在所拥有的；要经历过痛苦，才会明白幸福多么不容易。

在经历中成长，在平凡中寻找快乐。

For those who doesn't read Chinese, below is a rough translation of the text above that I tried my best to make out of:

In life, one must experience the storms of life to catch a glimpse of the beauty of the rainbow; one must experience setbacks in order to recognise their own shortcomings; one must experience loss then only will they know how to cherish what they currently have; one must experience pain to know that happiness is not easy.

Grow in experience, find happiness in the ordinary. 

Don't you find the quote speaking about some of the rules in life? All the ups and downs, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. 

In life, we have taken many things for granted. Only when we lose sight of something, then only will we start to panic and grieve. Then it'll be a little to late to get back that moment in time. Slow down, take some time to appreciate the little things around us. :)

Slow down and live life,

Hannah

The Better Person

Today, I broke down and cried. I cried in disappointment, in anguish... 

There's so much emotions stored up in me, that I couldn't take it anymore, that I just sat down and cried. I tried to recollect myself but I just couldn't. The many feelings that has been kept inside of me, the feelings that no one else besides me that knows and understands... the bottled up feelings just came pouring out through the streaming tears, flowing down from my eyes, staining the bed-sheet and the clothes that I was wearing.

I just cried and cried and cried. While crying, I was praying. I was asking God to calm down my heart. I prayed for peace and for comfort... but the tears just continued rolling down my face. Like God was just asking me to just cry it all out instead of keeping all the negativity that I gradually stored inside of me.

It was the first time in a long time that I've cried so hard that my shoulders just shook uncontrollably. I cry because I'm hurt. I cry because I'm tired. I cry because I'm angry with myself. I've put up a strong front for a long time that I've exhausted myself and had to cry to relief myself.

I've always been trying to be the better person among the people around me so that I can see them be happy. I'm the kind of person that becomes happy when I see others being happy, most of the time though, not always as I'm only human.

This is me.

The person who tries to give the best to the people around her. 

The person who gives in to others so that they could be happier. 

The person who does the unwanted job that nobody wants to do just so that everyone is happy in the end.

The person who gets into unfavourable circumstances so that the people around her can stay in their own familiarities, their own comfort zone.

Despite being the better person (not all the time because I'm imperfect), have I lose out? I find that I've thrown myself into a deep hole unknowingly, unable to get myself out at times. There were many times that I really did not want to be the better person, like the time where I was being volunteered by others to do the things they didn't want to do so that they can stay in their own skin.

I wondered if the people around me have ever spared a feeling for me or ever tried to understand me. Have they tried to understand where I'm coming from? Have my being a better person gave others an upper hand, taking advantage me? Have my giving in become a norm that they can do whatever they want?

There's many questions that I asked myself, like why am I always the disadvantaged one? Why am I always stuck in these kind of mess? Why is things so unfair? Why don't I get treated better when I've treated everyone as nice as I could?

Sometimes, being the better person sucks. I'm not asking for any acknowledgments but it would be nice to be treated a little better. It's like me being the better person has become a natural to them, sometimes even being taken for granted.

I tell myself at times, why do I even bother? Does anybody sees the good works that I do? 

I was doing my quiet time a little later after my breakdown just now. Right then, this verse came across. It's not the first time such a thing has happened before. It's like the words that God has wanted to tell me or something. 

Colossians 3:17 (New International Version)

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

I don't do good things or be the better person just because I want others to see all the works or the sacrifices that I've done. It all comes back to the starting point. Seeing others happy makes me happy as well. Though not all the time, I would try to tell myself that it's all worth it.

To all the people who have been the better person just so that I could have better opportunities, I'm very thankful to you. Even though I could have forgotten to thank you, I would like to say a BIG Thank You to all of those who've been so considerate and nice to me. To me, your selfless sacrifices and love has been so amazing that I'm constantly inspired to be the better person. 

After much crying and praying and the Bible verse that I came across during my devotion, I felt a sense of calmness and peace over me. Because to me, God was the BIGGEST and the BEST person of all time, sending His Son to die for us on the cruel cross so that we may have salvation. 

Always and after remembering how Christ has sacrificed Himself for us, it makes me want to be the better person. It's not always easy, but I'm sure with God's strength, I can do all things.

Love and Grace,

Hannah

^ The truth. True feelings from the bottom of my heart.

Learning how to drive

I haven't been updating this blog as often as I ought to. Just a short update here, to let everyone know that I'm still alive over here :P

Hmm.. what have I been doing these days?

I've been taking my driving lessons for some time now (I have yet to fulfill the 15 hours minimum of driving practice). I'm hoping to get my driver's license soon but I'm not  very confident that I'll pass in one go. I have tiny fears while driving on the road. It's not all that easy and fun as many thought it would be.. well, for me that is. It'll definitely ease my parents' burdens if I could drive.

Well, here in Brunei, all driving learners must drive and learn with a MANUAL car. Manual car scares me! An automatic car has only two pedals -the brakes and the accelerator. Meanwhile, in a manual car, there's an extra pedal - the clutch, other than than the 2 mentioned before.

I hate stick driving! For some of you that don't know, stick driving means driving a manual car. It's like you have to change the gear stick all the time and while you change, you got to press on the clutch. Also, if you don't have good handling on the clutch.. oh boy, you're gonna have a hard time driving a manual car because your car will stall like crazy!!

I stalled far too many times during my first lesson. It was my first time ever behind the wheels (yes, I'm a law abiding citizen, not secretly driving out and about without a license) and driving a manual is quite a handful or in this case, feetful? :P

Your hands and feet must coordinate together. Some people will tell me that it's easy just because playing the piano, which I do, also requires hand and foot coordination. It's very different and much more difficult from playing the piano. While driving on the road, looking out for cars, you also have to move your hands, one changing the gears and another one on the steering wheel.

When on the slopes, you've got to listen to the correct engine sound to change pedals so that your car wouldn't fall backwards. While parking, you've got to learn how to estimate the space correctly . On the roundabouts, make sure you don't stall, drive and signal correctly when changing lanes. All these... I haven't yet a perfect grasp but I'm still practicing and I'm sure one day I'll be as good as all the other experienced drivers out there.

When driving, you not only have to consider your own safety but also the safety of your passengers and other road users as well. There are many road bullies on the road and I've met quite a few of them while practicing driving on the main roads other than practicing in the driving circuit at the Land Transport Department. They just cut your lane without signalling in a really fast speed and all... and that sometimes make my driving instructor go mad as well. :( 

While on this topic, I'll apologise to the other road users that I've met while practicing driving. Sorry for being so slow, sorry for lacking in better driving skills and confidence, sorry for being a possible road hazard. Thank you to all the nice drivers for understanding a learning driver - for making way and slowing down or even flashing your headlights, giving us good opportunities to proceed especially at the U-turns whenever you see a practice car on the road. Nice drivers do help me gain more confidence when using the roads.

To all the drivers out there, be nice to the learning and new drivers (not referring to myself only but also to the rest of the new road users). You were also once a rookie driver. It'll help us, the new drivers, a lot. To the nice and kind drivers that I've encounter, thank you so much and keep on looking out for the new drivers. It could be irritating at times, but your patience does helps and would not intimidate the new drivers as much as being on the road is already a scary experience especially for first-timers.

To a certain friend, Jonathan, who tried to change my mind about stick driving... nope, I still hate stick driving as much as I hate it in the first place. I'll stick to auto driving when I get my driver's license. :)

This short update turned out to be such a long-winded post. Sorry about that. I do get carried away at times while writing a post. :P

Drive safe :)

Hannah

Qing Ming in Sabah

I'm currently back in KK with my dad for QingMing (or if translated into English would be "Tomb Sweeping Day"). Well, QingMing this year 2013 would be on the 4th of April but due to the inconvenience, we always have our QingMing earlier than the original date (which would be the 104th day after the winter solstice).

It's said that the Chinese offers food, burns incense, joss sticks and paper gifts, for the departed but my family does not practice this ritual. We'd just do the normal weeding and cleaning of the graves, and gifting of fresh flowers.

It's only for a short couple of days while here in KK. So many things to do in so little time. Oh well. It's the FIRST TIME EVER that I'll be sweeping the tombs in Sabah. I'd usually do it in Brunei all the time since I lived there but since I'm free during this period of time, I decided to tag along with dad and it's worth the experience.

I've heard how much harder it is going to the cemeteries here in Sabah from my dad and aunts because quite a few of the tombs of my ancestors and relatives are situated up among the hills and it's going to be a tough ascend. It's already hard for my aunts and dad, it'll be even worse for me ><

So, let's pray and hope that my family and I would not get hurt or injured anywhere and also that I'll have sufficient stamina and strength to hike up to the tombs.

Peace and love,

Hannah

Life Without Limits

During my January trip to one of my favourite country, Singapore, I bought Nick Vujicic's books - Life Without Limits and Unstoppable. I bought them because I've read the previews and they seem like a really good read. So when I stumbled upon the books in Kino, I bought them immediately.

I'm currently taking my time, reading Nick Vujicic's 1st book - Life Without Limits. By taking my time, it really does mean taking my time - slow and steady. I love reading and I can read pretty fast as well. I was trained into speed reading (since I was 7 years old) but still fully understanding the texts while reading them fast.

I'm reading this book at a slow pace because I can be very emotional and very, very overwhelmed when reading "Life Without Limits". I find myself bawling my eyes out after reading a page because EVERY SINGLE WORD in the book MAKES SO MUCH SENSE TO ME! It felt like that book was written just for me but of course, it's not.

This is the first time that I've cried so much while reading a book. I can only manage a couple of chapters at a time, to not overwhelm myself. After reading those few pages, the words tends to dwell in my head for hours and hours. I felt like my insecurities and doubts were spoken to.

This is for those of you who does not know whom Nick Vujicic is.

Nicholas James "Nick" Vujicic (born 4 December 1982) is a Serbian Australian evangelist and motivational speaker born with tetra-amelia syndrome, a rare disorder characterized by the absence of all four limbs. As a child, he struggled mentally and emotionally as well as physically, but eventually came to terms with his disability and, at the age of seventeen, started his own non-profit organization, Life Without Limits. Vujicic presents motivational speeches worldwide, on life with a disability, hope and finding meaning in life. He also speaks about his belief that God can use any willing heart to do his work and that God is big enough to overcome any and all disabilities.

- Excerpted from Wikipedia

Nick Vujicic, you really inspire me! Despite having physical disabilities, he lives life much  more better than I do. 

God really does work in mysterious ways to answer my doubts. I was really self-doubting myself about a particular incident, thinking that, "Nah, it's impossible for me to do it because I'm never clever enough or good enough."

Then while reading "Life Without Limits", on Page 61, there's this paragraph. It's like magic or something. Does the book knows what I'm thinking? It's a little creepy there. It goes :-

Hold that thought: Anything is possible. When you feel wiped out and blown away by a huge challenge, trust that anything is possible. You may not see a way out at the moment. You may feel that the whole world is lined up against you. But believe that circumstances can change, solutions can appear, and help can arrive from unexpected places. Then anything is possible!

Tears just came down after reading that paragraph. I mean, I was like just only thinking about it a couple hours ago, and this just came to me. WOW! Can you believe it? I was a little creep-ed out then. How did the timing work out that way? Like was I meant to read that at a particular time?

God never fails to amaze me. Whenever I'm praying, in need of some encouragement to go on, there will always be words of comfort and support given to me. Be it from family, friends or from unanticipated people or places. There's just always enough courage to continue my journey on.

This reminds me of one of my favourite song from Hillsong - God is Able. I've included the song below for your listening pleasure. :)

Blessed, I am.

Hannah. 

One month in one post

It's been a month since I've posted anything here, on my blog. A month can be rather long... or short, depending on how you look at it. No worries, I'm still alive and well, living everyday as best as I could.

I've been really busy during the past month. Busy with the Lunar New Year, busy processing my school stuff, busy with my other commitments. It sure has been a hectic month, full of life's ups and downs but nonetheless, I'm still thankful that I'm still living and kicking... just not sure if I'm as sane though after this 1 month. HAHA! :P

I went to KK to celebrate Lunar New Year with my paternal family whom I visit only maybe once or twice a year only. I always enjoy being back there because I miss my paternal family a lot. I mean, I get to eat really yummy foods made with love by my aunt (my dad's older sister. Oh yeah, my aunt is like ONE OF THE BEST COOK EVER!), go shopping (KK has like many more shopping centers than in Brunei definitely), just wandering around and try as many nice food available everywhere and just simply enjoy the bonding time with my grandma, aunts and cousins.

After the trip to KK, I've also been busy, busy, busy especially with the school things. My friends also helped me out a lot by ferrying me to and fro (because I can't drive yet. Thank you so much, Ping and Pistachio!). I'm thankful for such good friends.

It's not all that bad but the stress can really get to you. I find myself crying a lot (yeah, I cry when I'm stressed out. Crying is like an emotional outlet for me. I think I need to find a more POSITIVE outlet) and being really edgy and frustrated all the time.

I need to say that I'M REALLY SORRY to all the people whom I've not been really nice too at certain times where I just snap back and be really hostile because I was really stressed and mentally exhausted. THANK YOU so much for enduring my unfriendliness at times. It's just that when all the things get piled up, I tend to just break down.

I'm only human. I'm only skin and blood and bones. I'm not perfect.

I fell, I cried, I crumbled but everything will be just fine.

Keeping strong,

Hannah